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02/25/2002 Entry: "Theographical Fan Fiction"
Today's whacky post dives into a little theological fan fiction via CSI:
The episode opens with Grissom and Sara having lunch in a deli. They talking shop, something about maggots and bodily decay, much to the chagrin of the other customers around them, when in walks the episode's first special guest star John Ashcroft, playing himself.
Grissom takes the opportunity to criticize the attorney general's apparent inabilty to separate church and state. This goes in for a few minutes, much to the delight of viewers everywhere, when suddenly in walks the Lord God Almightly, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen walks. He orders a tuna salad on rye. The Lord is played by the one and only Anthony Hopkins.
Now, what would the reactions of these characters be towards Mr Almighty. I imagine Ashcroft would fall to his knees and start singing hymns-a-plenty. If he didn't fall about entirely, he might ask Mr Almighty for an authograph, or perhaps some sort of blessing.
But our CSI's would have a much different reaction. Grissom would pull out his handy wallet-sized PATRIOT Act card, and scans down to section 803 concerning haboring and concealing terrorists. Hmm, omnipresence, all knowing gods would certainly have some knowledge of terrorist activites, so His silence both before and after the attacks is questionable at best. "Mr Almighty, do you mind if you come down to the lab for some questions. We have some open cases you might be able to help us on..
And with that, our plucky heros are working the case. They don't have time to worry about nude statues, or what the agenda for tomorrow's prayer meeting will be. Before Ashcroft's third Our Father, Sara's got that tuna salad sandwich bagged, and she's collecting fingerprints and hair samples. She's on her cell phone back to the lab, getting ready for a semon test, since she's pretty sure immaculate conceptions are still against the law in most southern states.
By the end of the episode, our heros have gathered enough evidence that Mr Almighty is in a straight jacket, being wheeled out on a pushcart to to a plane headed for Guantanamo Bay. As the credits roll, we see Ashcroft still in the deli, by this time blathering incoherently, in tongues perhaps, about his encounter with his God.
